


Fairytalestuck

by swiftMartyrdom (gatonip)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fairy Tales, Multi, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-07-28
Updated: 2011-08-15
Packaged: 2017-10-21 21:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/230313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatonip/pseuds/swiftMartyrdom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In attempt to keep old traditions alive, the 12 trolls and 4 kids tell stories from their home planets every few nights, gathered around a campfire.</p><p>Tonight, it's Dave and Terezi's turn, and they've put a twist to a few well-known classics.</p><p>Rated for language and "e%tremely l00d" comments and jokes.</p><p>HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED OOPS SORRY</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Let's Gather 'Round The Campfire And Sing Our- Yeah Let's Skip The Spongebob Reference

**Author's Note:**

> Possibly done before.  
> Let's have a crack at it anyways.
> 
> To give you fair warning, my attempt at Strider Humor is mediocre.

“Hey guys, guys it’s time for stories! Uh, guys? Could you maybe, uh, come over and-“

“EVERBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN. IF WE’RE DOING THIS SHIT, THEN YOU ALL NEED TO FOCUS AND ACTUALLY LISTEN, GOT IT?”

As usual, whenever the trolls and kids came together to exchange pieces of their own culture, it started with John calling everyone to attention. When that didn’t work, Karkat intervened loud enough to quiet the others. They worked in good leader harmony this way; John told everyone what they wanted to hear, while Karkat told them everything they needed to hear.

Not bad for a couple of kids on a new planet.

When they won their session, the kids received their prize: a new world to call their own and to start over. Of course they accepted the trolls into their new homeland; “leaving you all on a stupid asteroid in the middle of nowhere is insane!” was John’s take on the matter. No one could argue with that.  
What was an interesting phenomenon was the fact that those in the Dream Bubbles could come along for the ride. They were still dead, yes, but somehow their spirits transferred to the new planet just fine. They were at the disadvantage of not having bodies, which left them feeling out of place, but as ghosts life wasn’t too bad. The others could see and talk to them at least (which was another phenomenon that no one could figure out) and they were content.

Every once in a while, when they weren’t building homes or growing crops or making discoveries on this new land, they all came together and told tales of the lives they once knew, and the pop culture they grew up with. Cultural exchange days were started by the Egbert-Harley twins. They had realized after many in-person conversations with the trolls that the two races’ cultures were widely different and referencing any part of pop culture confused the hell out of the opposing party.

One such instance had occurred while stargazing one night in the fields. Kanaya commented on the vastness of the sky, to which Dave replied “yeah, to fucking infinity and beyond.” John and Jade cracked up, leaving Kanaya and the other trolls in attendance quite puzzled.

Tonight’s cultural exchange would start as per tradition: all participants gathered behind Jade’s house around what the humans called a “campfire” and the trolls called a “heatcircle”. The 16 of them would form a wide oval-shape around the source of heat, huddled together so no one would be out of the loop.

On one end sat Karkat, leader of the trolls; Kanaya at his left, Terezi at his right. On the opposite side sat John, leader of the humans; Vriska on his left, Rose on his right. The remaining 10 completed the oval, 5 on each side. Nepeta and Equius were always next to each other, as was Aradia, Sollux, and Feferi. Gamzee, back to the state he once was but now much less cheery, and Tavros, quick not to abandon his friend, also stuck together; Dave and Jade opted to sit next to each other. Eridan filled the remaining space.

Their order seemed scatterbrained and unplanned, but in reality this setup was ideal. It kept quadrants – or simply for the humans, relationships – balanced and unharmed, and the placing of a peacekeeper every few seats kept arguments from getting too heated.

“OKAY, WHO’S TURN IS IT TO TELL SOMETHING?” Karkat asked, looking around the group.

Rose and Kanaya each pulled out folded sheets of paper from their pockets.

“By my records, Dave will be telling a story tonight.”

“And It Is Terezi’s Turn For Our Group”

Terezi’s face lit up and she bared her signature toothy grin at the others. Dave, in his cool kid manor, simply shrugged his shoulders and smiled ever so slightly.

“SW33T, 1’M P41R3D UP W1TH COOL K1D STR1D3R. TH1S W1LL B3 TH3 CULTUR4L 3XCH4NG3 TO 3ND 4LL CULTUR4L 3XCH4NG3S! >:]”

“you know it, tz, nobody tells a story quite like the pyrope-strider team”

Which based on previous exchanges involving the two together, that was definitely a true statement. Their rendition of A Bug’s Life and discussing the mentality of Troll Michael Jackson would not be forgotten for many, many exchanges to come.

“H3H3H3 TON1GHT W1LL B3 ON3 YOU’LL N3V3R FORG3T!”

“UGH JUST GET ON WITH IT, I HAVEN’T GOT ALL NIGHT,” Karkat growled. He shifted from his sitting position to a slouching one, his left hand holding up his head. A scowl painted over his face.

“what’s wrong bro, you mad?”

Karkat growled again. “YOU GUYS DO THIS EVERYTIME YOU GET PAIRED UP.”

“4ND YOU 4CT TH1S W4Y 3V3RYT1M3 W3 G3T P41R3D UP. PR4CTIC3 WH4T YOU PR34CH >:]”

He glared at her and said nothing.

“UGH, COMMON,” Terezi whined, shaking her head. “DON’T B3 L1K3 TH4T.” But obviously he was going to be like that. When Karkat Vantas is in one of his moods, it’s rare that something can get him out of it. But she is a master at such things, no question about it.

Terezi wrapped her arms around his waist and, leaning over, placed a kiss on his cheek. Instantly his face flushed red and his anger was replaced by surprise.

“NOTH1NG TO B3 J34LOUS 4BOUT, K4RKL3S. 1’M YOURS, R3M3MB3R? >;]”

“Y-YEAH YOU’RE...YOU’RE...UH WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?” Karkat sputtered, completely losing his train of thought. That train left the station and said I’m out of here, I’ve got this shipment of thoughts that need to be brought to NYC and I’m running late.

Everyone else in the oval laughed at Karkat’s befuddlement.

“W0w KK, way t0 stand y0ur gr0und,” Sollux laughed, enjoying his friend’s moment of discomfort.

“OH SHUT UP. COMMON LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE FUCKING ROAD.” Back to business for Karkat, though his blush still covered his face slightly. “STRIDER. STORY TIME. GO.”

“alright, this story genius is a fucking 16 wheeler going down irony road, and tz’s got shotgun”

“OH Y34H, 1T’S ON NOW!”

“boys and girls, gather ‘round and hear of my tale of the cheery and whistle-loving Blanca Como La Nieve and her collage of short, single-emotion mine workers”

“Haha Dave, you’re telling Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?” John laughed.

“you bet your ectobiological ass I’m telling it”

“tHE SEVEN DWARVES,” questioned Tavros, “dON’T YOU MEAN, uH, sEVEN DWARFBEASTS,”

“what the fuck’s a dwarfbeast?”

“They add the suffix ‘beast’ to their creature names, I thought you would remember that, _brother dearest_ ,” Rose explained.

“sorry _darling sister_ , it must have slipped my mind”

“Just get on wwith the story, obvviously wwe all knoww it so just tell it” Eridan spat. Cultural exchanges were interesting, but he hated when conversation got in the way of the actual story.

“O)( be quiet, -------Eridan! )(e’ll get to it! Don’t )(ave a w)(ale!”

“Do ya wwant a wwhale, Fef? I can get ya a wwhale. Bitches lovve wwhales.”

“W)(at’d you call me?!”

“Nothin’!”

“calm your tits guys, at least let me start before we get some fire jumpers” ‘Fire jumper’ is a term, started by Dave, for someone who left their spot in the oval to attack someone else, usually jumping over the campfire/heatcircle in order to do so. Constant fire jumping signals the end of cultural exchange night.

“now, I tell the tale of Snow White, who for completely ironic purposes will no longer be named Snow White, but...wait for it...”

Dave gestured for the others to lean in, to build suspense.

“...Snow ‘Rezi!”


	2. Snow 'Rezi and the Seven Dwarfbeasts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter brought to you today by "Love Me Dead" by Ludo, which has absolutely nothing to do with this story nor fits the theme, but was simply the background music on repeat while I typed.
> 
> Warning for language, sex referencing, and a whole lotta Strider irony.
> 
> Hear the tale of Snow White as told by Dave Motherfucking Strider.
> 
> (note: the reason Nepeta's line is wrong in terms of her typing quirk is because AO3 is reading the beginning as an html command, excuse that typo)

So check it, a whole lot of years ago-

“:33 ac pawnders what a year is"

It’s sort of like a...whatever the fuck you call it, a sweep? Moving on. A long time ago, there lived a king and queen of a faraway land.

“Wwhat the fuck’s a king and queen?”

Emperor and empress, now can it. King Egbert and Queen Lalonde ruled over their kingdom, and one day out of the motherfucking blue, Queen Lalonde pops out a baby-

“EWW ONE OF THOSE LITTLE PINK MONKEY THINGS? WHY THE FU-“

Everyone stop interrupting. So Queen Lalonde had this beautiful daughter, whom she wished to call Snow White. But King Egbert was all, I don’t really like that name, can’t we name her something like ‘Rezi or something? So after a whole bunch of compromising shit, their daughter was named Snow ‘Rezi. But here’s the tear-jerker, poor Queen Lalonde just couldn’t stand randomly having a baby pop out of her, and she died.

“Thank you for killing me off, I’ll remember that on my turn.”

It’s the way the story goes, sis. Now, King Egbert of the Land of Con Air threw away his bachelor status once again and married a hot vain broad, who went by the name Queen Serket.

Queen Serket as previously mentioned was vain beyond vain. She kept with her a magical mirror, one that would always tell the truth. So if, say, Equius were to look into the mirror and ask it if he was the strongest one here, the mirror would probably shatter from the strength of his breath and its remains would whisper, "Yes indeed, you are truly the strongest. Now do me a favor and get me some Krazy Glue.”

“D--> That seems e%ceedingly improbable”

It’s fucking magic deal with it. Queen Serket looked into the magic mirror every day and asked, Mirror mirror I can see, there can’t be anyone sexier than me!, and the mirror would reply, Indeed, there’s not a single bitch I can think of that’s sexier than you.

But as the years...sweeps...as fucking time went by, Snow ‘Rezi grew up into a beautiful – and admittedly sexy – princess. One day, Queen Serket asked her overdone rhyme and the mirror replied, Months ago, sure, years ago, true, but today Snow ‘Rezi is far sexier than you.

Queen Serket definitely didn’t like the sound of that, and being the queen, she called the shots around the land. King Egbert had been killed at a dinner party when he made one too many shitty movie references, and since then Queen Serket did whatever she wanted with no one to tell her not to. So, she ordered Archer Nitram to dispose of Snow ‘Rezi in the forest with his lance so she would once again be the sexiest bitch alive.

“oH NO, bUT I DON’T WANT, tO KILL,,,tHE PRINCESS,”

But you don’t, remember? Archer Nitram was such a pushover that Snow ‘Rezi convinced him easily not to kill her. He returned to the castle, and Snow ‘Rezi wandered the forest in search of a new crib.

Eventually she found this quaint little cottage a couple in their late 70’s would just love to retire in, or else a couple of horny vampires who do nothing but fuck all night every night for the rest of eternity. Snow ‘Rezi barged into the cottage and instantly felt tired from her long journey, so she up and got her nap on in one of the seven little beds lined up military-style against the wall.

When Snow ‘Rezi woke up, seven short and strange looking creatures were staring at her. I would call them trolls for the sheer irony of it all, but I’ll be decent and just call them dwarves. So anyways she was all, what the fuck are you looking at? And the shortest of the dwarves bounced over and said, well you’re sleeping in my bed, stranger! We’re curious to know who you are and what you’re doing here!

The dwarf gestured to the other dwarves and they introduced themselves as Lazy, Bubbly, Spooky, Sweaty, Joyful, Lonely, and Ironic.

“Wait wait wait let me try and match them up...uh...oh I got it! Sollux, Feferi, Aradia, Equius, Nepeta, Eridan, and you, right Dave?”

Good Harley, best predetermined wife. Now, the dwarves weren’t extremely thrilled with the thought of some broad just waltzing in and living in their cottage, but after hours of debating at a 5 to 2 vote Snow ‘Rezi was allowed to stay with them. There were a couple of cleaning-and-whistling montages over the months that followed, bluh bluh bluh, and then Queen Serket went back to her mirror and asked, Mirror mirror skip all the shit, am I the girl who can get the most dick? and the mirror replied, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you might like eights but Snow ‘Rezi’s a ten.

“YOU’RE SO FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE.”

I’m not fucking inappropriate, how could you say that? Harley here is my one and only and I would _never_ cheat on her with inappropriate, whoever that bitch is. Moving on...Queen Serket decided to take matters into her own hands. She found an apple, concocted a poison potion, and dunked the apple in it. She then disguised herself as a lumberjack - because her old hag costume was in the wash – and went off in search of Snow ‘Rezi.

Snow ‘Rezi answered the door when Queen, ahem Lumberjack Serket, arrived. Here little missy, she said in a gruff voice, eat this apple and don’t question who I am or why I’m giving away free fruit. Normally, Snow ‘Rezi would just slam the door in the newcomer’s face. I mean seriously, a lumberjack eating fruit? He should be eating beef jerky, or at least some Cheetos. However, the apple was red and Snow ‘Rezi was absolutely bananas for anything red, so she snatched the apple from the lumberjack and took a bite.

Obviously that was a poisoned apple, but Queen/Lumberjack Serket had mixed the poison wrong. Instead of killing the princess, it rendered her fucking blind as a bat-

“To My Knowledge Batbeasts Are Not Actually Blind”

It’s just a saying, Kan. Queen/Lumberjack Serket realized her error and hastily punched Snow ‘Rezi square in the face, knocking her out cold. She then turned and ran back to the castle of Con Air.

The dwarves, who during this little fiasco had been hi ho-ing in the mines, returned to find the princess supposedly dead on their cottage floor. Since none of them were doctors and couldn’t comprehend the difference between ‘knocked-out princess’ and ‘dead princess’, they went ahead and placed Snow ‘Rezi in a glass coffin. Why glass, we’ll never know. They live in a goddamn forest; you’d think a wooden coffin would be less expensive. Plus they passed a lumberjack on their way home who could have cut some trees for them oh forget it let’s not question Mother Goose and Grimm.

In a neighboring kingdom in the Land of Adorabloodthirstyshit, King Makara and Queen Maryam were discussing their son’s plans for marriage. But Prince Karkat didn’t give a shit about marriage. Let’s see if I can get a good Alternian curse rant going here, ahem...All the fucking bitches in this motherfucking kingdom are fucking nooksniffers and assholes I hate them all bluh bluh huge bitches why the fuck isn’t there a fucking decent girl in the world I’m going for a ride come on Bec let’s go to the forest and just suffocate from the idiocy that’s polluting the air we’re forced to breathe.

Holy shit I need air I legit can’t breathe.

“THAT...WAS ACTUALLY A HALF DECENT RANT.”

How can you do that every five minutes, you must have a huge lung capacity.

Ahem.

Prince Karkat traveled into the vast forest atop his trusty steed Bec, cursing the world as he went, when he happened upon a group of tiny creatures surrounding a box of glass. What the fuck are you looking at? he spat at them.

One of the dwarves turned solemnly to him and said, our dear friend Snow ‘Rezi has died and we are mourning.

Eh, I nevver liked her anywways, another mumbled, and was wacked upside the head by yet another.

The name Snow ‘Rezi sounded familiar to Prince Karkat, but why would it sound...oh right, now he remembered. He used to swing on the royal swings with Snow ‘Rezi when they were little. Prince Karkat walked over to the coffin and took the glass cover off, peering in at the princess. After a moment he said, you bulgemunchers, she’s not fucking dead, she’s just asleep. The dwarves were so relieved you wouldn’t fucking believe it.

Prince Karkat poked Snow ‘Rezi’s face. Yo, princess, fucking wake up. Which she didn’t. Hey princess wake the fuck up what’s wrong with you? And then Snow ‘Rezi whispered, you’re supposed to kiss me to wake me up, don’t you know the story?

Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me, ugh fine, and Prince Karkat leaned over and kissed Snow ‘Rezi, who wouldn’t you know suddenly woke up. Come Prince Karkat, she said, let us ride off to my stepmother’s castle, kill the bitch, get married, have a million princes and princesses of our own, and end the story so the actual me can do her turn!

And they did just that. The end.

“Wow that story was awesome!” exclaimed John, clapping his hands in a one-person applause.

“thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week”

“For some reason I think I like this version 8etter. ::::)”

“WE FUCKING KILL YOU IN THE END.”

“Still!!!!!!!!”

“N1C3 STORY D4V3, 1 GOT TO B3 ROY4LTY 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG! >:]”

“it’s all part of my service as cultural exchange night, Dave Strider edition”

“H3H3H3, W3LL NOW 1T’S T3R3Z1 PYROP3 ED1T1ON T1M3 SO 4LL OF YOU, L1ST3N UP! 1’V3 GOT 4 L1TTL3 TW1ST TO C1ND3R3LL4 TO T3LL, FOCUS1NG P4RT1CUL4RLY ON 4 C3RT41N R3DBLOOD... >;]”


	3. Cinderadia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1)SONG CREDITS: 'Call It What You Want' - Foster the People, 'Hello' - Martin Solveig, 'Super Bass' - Nicki Minaj
> 
> 2)This chapter's considerably longer because I focused a lot on banter this time.  
> 3)WARNING: THERE'S A REASON THIS THING IS TEEN RATED! KEEP THAT IN MIND.
> 
> 4)My apologies if there's too much Terezi/Karkat; they're my OTP and it kinda just happens while I'm writing
> 
> 5)AO3 thinks Nepeta's typing quirk is an html request; the Fairy God Troll is Nepeta but I have to take off her :33 quirk or else you can't read her lines for some reason.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME?!”

“HMM? 1’M SORRY D1D 1 S4Y ‘K4RK4T’ OR D1D 1 S4Y ‘R3DBLOOD’?” Terezi said, smirking at the confusion that now covered his face.

“BUT...I’M THE ONLY REDBLOOD, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT?”

“Unless I’m mistaken in Terezi’s intenti0ns, I’m pretty sure there’s an0ther redbl00d am0ng us that she is referencing, Karkat.”

“REALLY NOW, WHO?”

Aradia stared at him for a moment, and then shot him the “you’re kidding me right?” look.

“S33, 4R4D14 G3TS 1T!”

“WELL I DON’T.”

“D-->Think about it for a second who here has the lowest bl00d on the hemospectrum”

“That Sounds A Bit Insulting Equius”

“D-->It’s simply a statement of fact”

“I STILL DON’T GET IT.”

“Oh come now, Karkat. I am not even one of your species and I understand the implication.”

“same here, seriously Karkat you don’t know?”

“SCREW ALL OF YOU I’LL FIGURE IT OUT!”

“...1T’S 4R-“

“DON’T TELL ME!!!”

“-4D14. >:]”

“AAAUGH I HATE YOU!”

“H3H3H3 TRY1NG TO F1LL BOTH MY CONCUP1SC3NT QU4DR4NTS K4RKL3S? ON3 1SN’T 3NOUGH FOR YOU, 1S 1T?”

“WHAT?! NO I MEANT HATE AS IN PLATONIC HATE, NOT KISIMEISTIC HATE!” Karkat flushed red again.

“OH 1 KNOW WH4T YOU M34NT.”

“THEN WHY DID YOU-“

“Hey can you two stop fliiiiiiiirting already so we can get to another story????????”

“OH SHUT 1T M1SS CR4NKYP4NTS. F1NE, 1’LL T3LL MY T4L3. TH3 T4L3 OF 4 POOR PR1NC3SS-GON3-S3RV4NT TH4NKS TO 4 B1TCHY ST3PMOTH3R LUSUS.”

“cinderella? wise choice tz, wise choice”

“H3H3 TH4NK YOU D4V3.”

In a distant time, there lived a red-blooded lusus and its troll child. In an unfortunate accident, the lusus was culled before its time, leaving the small female troll without a guardian. While crying over the body of her lusus, the girl was approached by another lusus, one with blue blood. Behind her stood two trolls about the same age as the girl. The lusus informed the girl that after her own troll had been culled by the Imperial Drone, she had begun rounding up orphaned troll children to replace the one she lost. Not sure what else to do, the girl agreed and went along with the lusus and her adopted trolls.

Life for the orphaned trolls was...strange. Their lusus was strict yet protective over them, and seemed to favor her other two adoptees over the girl (who was called Cinderadia, as a way to mock her low blood) and made her work and clean around their hive.

Cinderadia was 0kay with the work and didn’t mind much. One of her new sisters was quick-witted and could trick Cinderadia  
into doing whatever she asked of her. The other sister was more kind-hearted and tried not to push her too much. A regular day went like this:

“Yo Cinderadia, come down here and make me br8kfast!”

“S1ST3R D34R TH1S FLOOR 1S DISCUST1NG 4ND MOTH3R W1LL B3 UPS3T W1TH YOU 1F YOU DON’T CL34N 1T!”

“Um If It Isnt Too Much Trouble Could I Ask Of You To Help Me Fix My Sewing Machine”

And so on and so forth. Kind of a dull existence if you ask me but anyways.

“W8t...I’m the lusus? That’s soooooooo uncalled for!”

Shush you fit best in the role.

“First the evil queen, now the evil lusus, what next????????”

The evil bucket?

“D--> Teal bl00d that is very l00d of you”

“D--> I require a towel”

I don’t have a towel.

“D--> Fetch me one”

No I’m telling a story!

“D--> You are of lower bl00d caste than I so-“

Oh shut up and get your own damn towel!

“D--> Oh”

“D--> Oh my”

“D--> I believe I now require a Sham Wow”

Yeah you go get that. Moving on!

One day an invitation came to their hive, telling of the emperor’s ball in honor of his son, the prince, seeking a wife. Everyone was so excited, oh how wonderful!!!!!!!!, P4RTY T1M3 H3LL Y34H!, This Will Be Very Enjoyable I Can Tell, 0h I can’t wait t0 g0!

Hold up, the lusus said, you can’t go to the ball! What are you nuts????????

And why can’t I? asked Cinderadia.

Because, stuuuuuuuupid, your blood is too low! It’s 8lue 8loods and a8ove, of which you are neither!

Cinderadia hung her head. She hated the blood caste system, for she was at the bottom while her new guardian and sister were near the top. It didn’t seem fair that she should be kept from the ball while they could go!

So while her mother and sisters planned their outfits for the ball, Cinderadia moped in her respiteblock with her only friend in the world, a small squeakbeast who offered her somewhat encouraging words.

OH FUCK THOSE GUYS YOU’RE WAY BETTER THAN THEM ANYWAYS. WHO GIVES TWO SHITS ABOUT THE HEMOSPECTRUM ANWAYS, BUNCH OF NOOKSNIFFING ASSHOLES THAT’S WHO.

The squeakbeast’s words were comforting, but she was still very sad that she couldn’t go.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME THE SQUEAKBEAST."

You want a part or not? Hehehe.

As the sun rose on the day of the ball, her lusus and sisters left in gorgeous, frilly evening gowns fit for royalty and left Cinderadia to mope some more. While Cinderadia paced back and forth, bored to death and super spiteful, a glittering light suddenly appeared! Out of-

“oH I JUST, jUST LOVE THIS PART,”

We all do Tavros, we all do. So out of seemingly nowhere comes a fairy -like being, with a sparkly dress and a wand and everything!

hello Cinderadia!

Wh0, 0r rather what, are y0u and what are y0u d0ing in my hive? Cinderadia questioned the newcomer.

I am your Fairy God Troll, and I am here because I know you’re in an pawsitively awful situation and you need my help!

Well exactly what can y0u d0 f0r me? I can’t g0 t0 the ball because 0f my bl00d c0l0r, s0 unless y0u can change it I’m 0ut 0f luck here.

Fear not darling, for in fact I can change your blood color!

The Fairy God Troll then did a little dance with some strange words, tapped Cinderadia on the head with her wand, and in a poof of sparkle dust out came Cinderadia...looking basically the same as she did before.

Hey what gives? she questioned. I’m still regular me.

0h my g0g, y0u actually did it! Thank y0u!

my pleasure! Now put on a dress and off to the ball you go!

So Cinderadia grabbed a dress out of her sister’s closet and put on her favorite earrings, ones in the shade of her blood color, and ran out the door.

wait dear! Be careful; at noon your blood will change back to red!

Cinderadia promised to be back by noon and ran off to the ball.

Okay you guys know this part; she goes to the ball, falls in love with the prince and vice versa, stepsisters jealous and don’t recognize their own adoptive sister, bluh bluh bluh we get it.

Well while Cinderadia and Prince Sollux were dancing-

“Wh0a wait I’m r0yalty? Sweet.”

“And that’s the first thing he picks up 0n in that sentence. I pity y0u t00, S0llux.”

“0h uh...s0rry...um...hehe back t0 the st0ry?”

No actually I like this better, some banter to add to this tale! Yeah let’s make this canon to the story, continue you two!

“Uh...I d0n’t kn0w what else t0 say...?”

“This isn’t g0ing t0 g0 anywhere, Terezi. My flushed quadrant mate rarely sh0ws red feelings.”

Oh I hear that, sister; we’re two wrigglers in the same recupercoon.

“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?”

Just what it sounds like, Karkles.

“They’re s0 much alike, aren’t they?”

Hell yeah they are.

“ _Terribly_ sorry to interrupt this little pity fest but could wwe get back to the story?”

Shut up or I won’t put you in it.

“Ooh I get a part? Thanks Ter! Say, maybe later wwe could, ya knoww...” Eridan raised an eyebrow suggestively.

“TOUCH HER AND I WRING YOUR NECK, AMPORA. NO YOU KNOW WHAT, DON’T EVEN LOOK AT HER. I WON’T HAVE YOU JACKING OFF WHEN YOU’RE ONLY 1 SEAT AWAY FROM US.”

“I Am Right Next To You And I Would Very Much Like For You To Also Not Relieve Yourself In My Presence”

“I wwas just kiddin’, guys. Don’t be so uptight.” But the look he flashed Terezi said otherwise and Karkat started getting up when he had the nerve to wink at her.

Karkat! Please relax; you don’t have to get so jealous of everyone!

“BUT HE FUCKING-“

Deserves it, I know. But think about it. You’re getting jealous of Eridan. Of _Eridan_ , Karkat. That’s stooping a bit low, don’t you think?

“...YEAH YOU’RE RIGHT,” he mumbled, settling back into his seat.

“You’re so mean, Ter. I mean wwas that reely necessary? Wwas it?”

“Was saying ‘reely’ in place of ‘really’ necessary?”

“somebody get fishboy a Baggie full of ice ‘cause he just got Egbert burned”

“John, howw could you?”

“Oh, I’m sorry! Me pointing out the pun doesn’t necessarily mean I was trying to offend you, I was just saying!”

“It’s okay John, we all know you weren’t trying to be offending to Mr. Ampora.”

“Correct me if I’m wroooooooong, but we were listening to a story 8efore this started, right? One that isn’t FINISHED?! >::::(“ Vriska whined, and all eyes were suddenly on Terezi.

...what? Oh right the story! Totally slipped my mind, sorry. Okay um where was I...oh yes! The ball! So while Cinderadia and Prince Sollux danced and and spoke of pity feelings and such to each other, a troll waiter passed by them and accidently crashed into Cinderadia, the platter he was carrying slicing into her arm.

Are you okay? the prince asked as Cinderadia held her wound.

When she pulled her hand away, she realized her blood was nearly a red color once again! She had completely lost track of the time and the magic had worn off! Cinderadia fled the ball in a rush so as to not reveal her true blood color, bumping into people occasionally on her way out.

The prince ran after her, calling for her to stay. He suddenly happened upon a small red object on the stairs, and when he lifted it to the light he realized it was one of the earrings the girl had been wearing!

Don’t worry, he thought to himself, I will find you and return your earring, and then, we thhall be married!

“Nice lisp”

Thank you, Jade.

The next day, Prince Sollux and his advisor Eridan-

“Oh there I am! This story just got 100% more interestin’. Lemme finish the story for ya, Ter. They get to Cinderadia’s hive, Prince Sollux drops dead, and Eridan the magnificent gets all the bitches. Didn’t evven need to get all of ya wwhales or nothin’!”

Attention story-listeners, the role of the prince’s advisor has been recast and will be played by Tavros.

“THAT’S MY ‘REZI.”

“oH,,, uM, yAY,”

“Wwhat?! That’s it this story blowws, like the wwhale I didn’t give you Ter. Just like that wwhale.”

Told you I’d cut you out if you didn’t shut it. Now as I was saying...

Prince Sollux and his new advisor Tavros traveled all across the kingdom in search of the girl who had a match for the other earring. They finally came upon Cinderadia’s hive. Her lusus and sisters were eager to prove they were the girl Prince Sollux wished to marry, but he wasn’t buying it. Their deceit was so strong, it was a stench! Cinderadia, who was in her respiteblock and heard the prince’s voice, came running downstairs to see him.

Hello, I’m looking for a girl I danced with latht night. Would you happen to-

0h, y0u have my earring! Cinderadia interrupted, pointing to the earring in the advisor’s hand.

Tho thith ith _your_ earring?

Cinderadia swept back the hair covering her ear and pointed to the identical earring that hung there. I’ve been l00king everywhere f0r it! She put on what was her missing earring and smiled at the prince.

And so Prince Sollux and Cinderadia were married, the lusus lived with her adoptees for the rest of their pubescent lives, and advisor Eridan rotted away in the royal dungeons. The end!

“Very Fine Story Terezi”

“D--> Yes it was most e%ceptional”

“O)( I just love cultural exc)(ange nig)(ts!”

“technically it doesn’t have to end at that”

“Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Dave?”

“it’s amazing that a line like that and the scorching burn from earlier came out of the same mouth”

“Seriously what do you mean?”

“what if we keep up with these ironic fairy tales, keep going besides these two”

“That’s not a bad idea. We’ve never had more than two stories in one night before; it’d be a nice change. Karkat?”

“WE CAN’T POSSIBLY RUN OUT OF CULTURAL SHIT TO TALK ABOUT IF WE DO A FEW MORE. FUCK WHY NOT, LET’S KEEP GOING.”

“sweet it’s anonymous then”

“Wwhat if I wwanted to say no?”

“YOU’RE NOT A LEADER SO YOUR VOICE DOESN’T COUNT HERE. END OF DISCUSSION.”

“But-“

“END OF FUCKING DISCUSSION.”

“tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg CuLtUrE tHiNg Is A mIrAcLe BrO, cAn’T sEe WhY yOu’D wAnT tO sToP iT”

“exactly, so who wants to go next, preferably a human to keep this pattern thing going”

“Ooh! I’ve got one! Grandpa Harley used to tell it to me all the time when I was really little! :)”

“Harley’s got dibs then”

“It’s a really cute little story, I don’t know if any of you have heard about it before or not it’s kind of uncommon. It’s called East of the Sun, West of the Moon.”  
“I’m not familiar with that one.”  
“Oh you’ll love it! Trust me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You probably thought, like he did, that Karkat was the red blood Terezi mentioned in the last chapter.  
> I did that on purpose.  
> Trolling success...?


	4. East of Derse and West of Prospit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again. Language and sexual innuendos. Karkat and Dave are around this campfire what do you expect?
> 
> Song credits are basically the collection from the previous chapters, The Show Goes On by Lupe Fiasco, and Fairytale by Alexander Rybak (all of which have nothing to do with this story)
> 
> Jade tells a tale originating from Norway.

Okay so once upon a time-  
“sorry to interrupt already but really Harley, ‘once upon a time’”

It’s how all fairy tales are supposed to start! I don’t know what the hell you guys were doing with your ‘lots of years/sweeps/whatevers ago’ beginnings!

“just trying to mix it up”

Too bad I’m going old school! Once upon a time, there was a peasant man who lived with his wife and their many children. But the man was very poor and didn’t have enough money to support his huge family!

“MAYBE THE FUCKHEAD SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE HAVING SO MANY WRIGGLERS.”

Shh! No interrupting! One day a big white bear came to the peasant man’s home and said, “If you give me your youngest daughter, I will make you absolutely rich beyond your wildest dreams.” The man’s youngest daughter was absolutely beautiful, easily the most beautiful in comparison to her other siblings. The peasant man discussed the decision with the daughter, who was at first completely against the idea. She didn’t want to go off with some strange bear! But after much persuading, the daughter finally agreed to go with the arrangement.

“WHAT THE FUCK?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! WHO EXCHANGES A GIRL FOR MONEY?!”

He was poor and needed money for his other children! Now quit interrupting! The bear took the daughter to his castle far away from her home. The castle was huge and so amazing! The color scheming was gold and silver and just absolutely mind-blowing! The girl was fed dinner, and afterwards, being very sleepy, she went to bed. When she turned out her light, a man came into the room and lay down beside her. It was the bear, who took off his pelt before going to sleep each night.

“whoever wrote this story was a pedophile”

“I hate to agree but it does seem a bit...strange.”

“Wwhat’s a pedophile?”

“it’s a guy that eats young fishboy hipsters”

“...can wwe hear a different story?”

“come on, you’ll love this part, the bear takes the girl out hunting for their hipster breakfast, it’s so vivid you can almost see the intestine blood oozing out of his mouth-“

“No stop it glub glub glub I can’t hear you glub glub glub!”

“Dave Please Cease This Eridan Looks Like He Is About To Regurgitate His Dinner All Over My Dress”

Yeah, and I’m trying to tell a nice story here! And it isn’t dirty, he’s just laying there! Honestly your mind is so obscene sometimes!

“are you suggesting I’ve been a bad boy and need to be taken care of???”

Ugh see this is what I’m talking about! Okay, everyone stop being suggestive so I can go on with my story, okay?!  
The girl and the bear lived this way for a while, before the girl grew very sad and lonely. The bear noticed and asked her what was wrong. Give me a br8k, she told him, it’s obvious that I’m homesick. I miss my family dearly.  
Well, the bear told her, I don’t see it as, unreasonable, to let you, uh, see them.

“Oh gr8, I’ve been kidnapped 8y a bear that’s also a pedophile, whatever that is, and it’s Nitram!!!!!!!! ::::O”

“oh my God...i have to say it, it’s too ironic not too...pedobear”

“um w)(at’s a pedobear?”

“1S TH4T L1K3 4 B34R W1TH P3D4LS 4TT4CH3D TO 1T?”

“no tz that would be a pedal bear”

“OH. H3H3H3 TH4T’S ST1LL 4 STR4NG3 TH1NG TO S4Y.”

Enough of this, I am going to tell my story and you’re all going to be quiet!

“sorry Jade we’re kinda getting off track go ahead”

Thank you. Darn it I don’t remember where I was now!!!

“I Believe You Had Just Mentioned The Bear Agreeing To Take The Girl To Her Lusii”

Oh yes, thanks Kanaya! The bear took the girl to this beautiful house and told her this was her family’s new home. Before he left her with her family, he told her that whatever she did, she must not talk to her mother in private. There would be consequences, he said, if she didn’t heed his warning.

The girl was thrilled to be home and see her parents and siblings. Her family was doing wonderfully and they were so thankful for what she’d done for them! But as the day wore on, her mother beckoned for her to talk with her alone, just as the bear had warned her not to. The girl resisted, but eventually she found herself alone with her mother, and the story of the man in her bed at night just came out all at once.

The girl’s mother gave her a candle and told her, use this candle after the lights are out, and you will be able to see his true face. Don’t let any candle wax fall on him though, or you might wake him. The bear came by shortly after and took her back to his castle.

That night, after the lights were out, the girl lit the candle and shed the light on the bear. What she saw amazed her: he was the most handsome man she had ever seen in her entire life! She instantly fell in love with the handsome prince. Suddenly, some wax dripped off the candle and fell onto his shirt, instantly waking the bear!

Look what you’ve done, he cried, now, I will never be free! I was bewitched to be a bear during the day, and I am destined to marry a princess I do not love. If you had lasted a year without knowing, the spell would have been broken! But now I’ll be forced to marry that princess and be cursed forever!

The girl cried for the prince she had doomed, and begged for him to take her with him. He sadly could not; but he told her the castle he would live at was in a land east of the sun and west of the moon. The next morning, he was gone.

“East 0f the sun and west 0f the m00n...but which m00n?”

Oh right, I forgot you guys had more than one moon. Um how about east of Derse and west of Prospit?

“SoUnDs LiKe A fInE cOmPrOmIsE tO mE, cHiCa”

East of Derse, west of Prospit it is! Well, obviously that would be such a hard location to find, as they contradict each other. The girl didn’t know how she would be able to find the prince!

She walked for many days in search of the castle. Soon she came upon a cliff, at which was a house where an elderly woman lived. She asked the woman if she knew of the bewitched prince in the castle east of Derse and west of Prospit.

Yes I d0, she said, but y0u will either get there t00 late 0r never. But I will let y0u b0rr0w my h0rse and y0u can ride 0ver t0 my neighb0r’s h0use. Perhaps she kn0ws h0w t0 get there. Here, take this g0lden apple; y0u may find it m0re useful than I.

So the girl took the apple and rode the woman’s horse a while to her neighbor’s house, which also sat upon a cliff. Again she asked the elderly woman there if she knew of the castle east of Derse and west of Prospit.

Indeed I Do, she said, But You Will Either Get There Too Late Or Never. But I Will Allow You To Borrow My Horse So You Can Ride To My Neighbors House. Surly She Knows How To Get There. Also Take My Golden Comb Perhaps Youll Find It More Useful Than I.

The girl took the comb and rode this woman’s horse a while to the third neighbor’s house, once again along a cliff. She asked the elderly woman living there if she knew of the castle east of Derse and west of Prospit.

“LET ME GUESS, SHE DIDN’T KNOW JACK SHIT EITHER”

I’ll ignore that comment.

Yes I do, the woman said, but you will either get there too late or never. But I will let you borrow my horse and ride to the home of the east wind. Perhaps he can get you there. You may have my golden spinning wheel; you may find it more useful than I.

When the girl arrived at the home of the east wind, he told her he was not strong enough to bring her to the castle. However, he said, my brother the west wind is surely strong enough!

So the east wind carried the girl to the home of the west wind.

I’M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO CARRY YOUR FATASS ALL THE WAY TO THE CASTLE, said the west wind, HOWEVER MY BROTHER THE SOUTH WIND PROBABLY CAN.

So the west wind carried the girl to the home of the south wind.

“I LIKE THIS WEST WIND GUY”

Of course you do. Now shhhhhhh!

I’m not strong enough to carry you to the castle, the south wind said, but my brother the north wind probably can.

So the south wind carried the girl to the home of the north wind.

Yes, he said, I believe I’m strong enough to bring you to the castle. Hop on my back and we shall go!

So the north wind brought the girl to the castle in the land east of Derse and west of Prospit. It was such a long journey that the moment she got there, the girl went to sleep. When she woke the next morning, she sat below the window of the castle and played with the golden apple in her hands.

Poking her head out of the window was the princess that the prince had spoken of, the one he was to marry.

WH4T DO YOU W4NT FOR TH4T 4PPL3, G1RL? she asked.

The girl said, I will give you this apple if in exchange I can have one night with the prince who lives here.

The princess agreed, and that night the girl was allowed in the prince’s room. But the prince was fast asleep! No matter what she did, the prince would not wake! When the sun rose, the girl was kicked out of the castle.

The girl once again sat below the castle window and played with the golden comb, and again the princess saw her.

WH4T DO YOU W4NT FOR TH4T COMB, G1RL? she asked.

The girl asked for another night with the prince in exchange for the comb, and the princess agreed. But that night was just like the previous night; the prince refused to wake! When the sun rose, she was once again kicked out of the castle.

Now, some people who slept in the room next to the prince heard the girl’s struggles to wake him, and after she was kicked out of the castle the second time, they told him about it.

Meanwhile, the girl was beneath the window outside again, playing with the golden spinning wheel. The princess, not surprisingly, saw the girl at once.

WH4T DO YOU W4NT FOR TH4T SP1NN1NG WH33L, G1RL? she asked.

The girl asked for yet another night with the prince, and was granted her request.

The princess, as she has the previous two nights, brought the prince a sleeping potion right before the girl was allowed inside the castle. The prince knew it was sleeping potion this time though, and pretended to drink the potion. When the girl entered his room, he was wide awake and she was so happy!

You’ve come at, a perfect time, said the prince. Tomorrow is my wedding day. But I have a plan to get out of it! Do you see the wax drippings still on my shirt? I will test my fiancé and ask her to wash the wax off, but she won’t be able to, because, her kind are unable to. But surely you’ll be able to, and you will be able to marry me!

The next day before the wedding, the prince presented the shirt to the princess and asked her to clean it so he could wear it for their wedding. OH OF COURS3 1’LL CL34N 1T FOR YOU! she said and set to work.  
But no matter how hard the princess scrubbed, she couldn’t get the the wax out!

You are surely, not the woman for me, the prince said. I will marry whomever here is worthy of washing my shirt clean!

With that challenge in place, the princess scrubbed even more furiously, but try as she might the shirt would not be clean. It even started to turn gray!

Some other women in the castle came to her aid and scrubbed as well, even the princess’ mother. But none could clean the shirt, and when they finally gave up, the shirt had turned black as night!

None of you are worthy, declared the prince. None of you can clean a simple shirt! He walked over to the window and pointed out to the girl he truly wanted to marry. See that beggar girl, he said, I bet she can, clean better than all of you!

The prince called the girl in and gave her the shirt to clean. The moment she took her first scrub, the shirt turned white, even whiter than when the prince had first gotten the shirt!

You are worthy of being my wife! the prince declared, and the two were married. They collected all the gold and silver in the castle and they flew far, far away from the land east of Derse and west of Prospit. The end!

“T)(at story was just glubbing adorable!”

“Wow that was awesome Jade! I’ve never heard that story before it’s so great!”

“EH IT WASN’T TERRIBLE. BUT I THINK IT’S TIME A TRUE STORY MASTER GOT HIS TURN.”

“That’s so nice of you Karkat! Okay what story should I-“

“NOT YOU EGBERT, ME! I’M NOT SITTING THROUGH A RETELLING OF CON AIR.”

“What about Little Monsters?”

“HOLY SHIT NO. I’M TELLING A FUCKING STORY AND THAT’S FINAL!”

“wHAT, sTORY DO YOU, pLAN ON TELLING,”

“OH IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING CLASSIC, ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE IT. IT’S ABOUT THESE TWO IDIOTS WITH NOT A THOUGHT IN THEIR THINK PANS THAT GO AROUND DROPPING BREADCRUMBS AND EATING PEOPLE’S HOUSES. OH AND THERE’S A HOT WITCH IN THERE TOO.”

“D--> I suspect you are telling the story of the two rustbloods with the odd foreign names correct”

“IF YOU WANT TO PUT IT THAT WAY, SURE.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies, the story was heavily edited for my own reasons (namely the other kids would start complaining about the length of the story if I left everything in). In fact even with all the edits this chapter is the longest compared to the others.
> 
> Original story: http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/norway034.html


End file.
